Living Without Him
by burnitdown
Summary: What Happens to Ennis After Jacks Death. Rated M. Has been updated and altered. My First Fanfiction, please Read & Review.


Living Without Him 

Ennis sat on the stairs outside the halls in Childress, Texas, after he found out Jack once went to a ball dance there. He felt it to take it on himself that he should visit all the places Jack used to go. He missed Jack so much he felt he needed to find out about the parts of him he never got to know. All about his life in Childress, all the places he had spent away from him. He had spent weeks in Texas, meeting his widow Lureen, who had hastily slammed the door in his face once he had introduced himself as Ennis del Mar. He saw Jack's son, Bobby, playing in the street, who scarily reminded Ennis of him.

The resemblance was uncanny; he shared the same small nose, bright blue eyes, and his wonderful bucktoothed grin. Ennis had also went to the Farm Machine dealers that Lureen's whole family owned. He had hurriedly walked up the rusty metal stairs to just get a glimpse of Jack's old office before Lureen's father screamed at him until he left.

He had wondered why he got such a bad welcome. Jack supposedly died in a freak accident whilst changing a tire; the rim of his rusted wheel cap flew off and smashed him in the jaw. No one was there to help and he chocked on his own blood, but there was no way Ennis could believe that. Jack was a smart, powerful, wonderful man and in Ennis's mind, it would take a lot more than that to take Jack down. He had to find out the truth, and maybe that was it. Everyone somehow found out about them…

Maybe a mob was sent after him, like that poor guy lying in the irrigation ditch that Ennis saw when he was just a boy. Earl was his name, a big bloke, bigger than Jack and Ennis combined, and a group of men beat him down with a tire iron, trailed him along by his cock until it pulled off. The image of the man splayed out in a pool of his own blood haunted Ennis's nightmares, if that had happened to Jack… It couldn't bring himself to think about it. The thought of Jack lying there, covered in his own blood, pants down his ankles, his eyes open staring glazed at the sun flashed before Ennis's eyes. He shuddered, it couldn't have happened. Not to Jack, but Ennis swallowed as the truth set in, the most beautiful man suffered the most humiliating death.

Ennis stared into the rain. His life felt so meaningless. No. Worse than that. He was responsible for the death of Jack Twist. He was a murderer. He had been shown what happened to queers when he was just a boy, how could he have been so foolish? Ennis should have known better, he should have known that this would happen, but they carried on regardless.

That used to be Jack's problem, he would never think about the future, he lived for the moment. He didn't take life seriously enough to realize exactly how dangerous what they were doing was and in the end it cost him his life. Ennis should have protected him, walked away while he could. If he really loved Jack, he would have left and kept him safe, alive with his wife and child, like all men should be.

But, Ennis couldn't kid himself. That was the reason he loved Jack. His freedom, there were no rules or boundaries in his world. He did what he wanted and when he wanted. He let Ennis feel what is was like to completely lose control, to go with what you wanted… but it's all gone now.

Ennis got his metal zippo out his jeans pocket and sparked up a cigarette. He took a long hit and exhaled. He was hoping he could stop his mind racing, but it would never stop. Ever since that postcard Ennis sent Jack came back stamped 'Deceased' he felt constantly on edge. That maybe it would happen to him. Could that be a good thing? He could see Jack at least, be with him forever like he should have done in life.

He carried on smoking in large inhalations, hoping the nicotine would calm him down. He recently switched the cigarettes he smoked to Jack's favourites, hoping he could catch the faint scent of Jack. He remembered the old times, back in Brokeback Mountain, their whole lives ahead of them, where they first made love together…

When visiting Jack's folks, he had found hidden in the back of Jacks closet two shirts. He had found Jacks on a hanger, with blood all down the arm, which was infact Ennis's own. He had lifted the sleeve to reveal another shirt inside, one that he thought he had lost up in Brokeback. Jack had stolen it and put the two together, like they should have been in reality. He hung them both up on the door of his wardrobe in his rusted old caravan. Both of them still smell of Jack, his musty but distinctive smell of sweat, morning dew, cigarettes and cheap whiskey.

Ennis got off the concrete stairs, releasing how soaking wet he was. The rain had got heavier and the clouds blotted out the sky. The storm reflected his mood, like there was no way out of this gloomy darkness. He took one last toke off the filter and flicked it into a puddle. He swayed on the spot for a moment, before deciding to take another shot of whiskey from the flask in his coat pocket.

The cheap whiskey reminded him of Jack. They both used to buy it when money was short. Ennis is well off now, his ex wife was now no longer claiming child support, he had been given a raise at work and fewer hours. He could afford more expensive whiskey if he wanted, but always chose the cheap one. Ennis knew he should stop drinking, but when he was drunk, it blotted out all the bad things that had happened. He could even daydream that Jack was still alive, pretending that they were just getting drunk together again.

Ennis continued to stroll down the road, staring down and watching the water pour down the rim of his best cowboy hat. He stopped in an alleyway. His neck felt loose, acid rose to the back of his throat. Not again.

'I aint drunk that much' He thought. It couldn't be the alcohol; he wasn't even half way down the flask. He staggered and propped himself up against a skip. Maybe the food didn't agree with him. He hadn't been able to eat since Jack died, but he somehow forced a cheese sandwich down himself earlier on that day. Alma tried to get food into him before he left for Texas, but the same happened, he saw it half an hour later.

She knew about Jack, but never spoke about it. Every time she tried to, Ennis would throw things at the wall and storm out. He couldn't control his anger around her, and the truth was, she was terrified of him. What happens between Jack and him was their business, no one else's. He hated how their world got so exposed. It was so special because it was only them that shared it. No one could see them; they lived in a utopia of love and affection, of no boundaries or rules, no prejudice or bars, they could be truly themselves in the world that was only theirs to treasure.

But now it was all gone. The open opportunities he had were wasted.

Ennis gagged and wretched but nothing came up. The acid burning in his neck, cold tears strolled down his face in frustration. He turned to the wall and hit it with all his anger and grief. His knuckles shattering, skin splitting and blood splattering, he cried louder and collapsed to his knees. He didn't know how long he stayed there, but he couldn't stop the tears from falling. He remembered he felt like this before, when he had left Jack and didn't see him for 4 years. But this time it was worse, he would never see Jack again. Everything was lost. Ennis didn't want to live in a world without Jack anymore. Enough was enough.

He stood up after a while and wiped the tears from his face. He had stopped crying and the rain stopped falling. He blew his nose and tried to compose himself. He tried to spark up a cigarette but was interrupted by a familiar sound of a cowboy boot metal heel striking down on the wet pavement. The cigarette fell from his mouth, he instantly turned round, reaching for his gun.

"God what if I get mugged again, what if this is my time now?" He couldn't see to the end of the alleyway, but the figure started to walk closer and closer until it was illuminated by the weirdly golden glow of a back door light above the skip. What met his eyes under that light could not be real.

It was Jack.

"Ennis… I…"

Before he even could finish Ennis had lunged for him and grabbed him round his broad shoulders, both their hats flying off their heads. Tears spilled out of his eyes. _Jack! It's Jack! _He thought._ He's ok!_ Jack was taken by shock, he didn't expect to see Ennis! His old lover, his best friend, the one person who understood him better than anyone else. Ennis would never hold Jack from the front before, because he was ashamed it was a man he embraced, but this time, it was exactly what he wanted. He was able to hold Jack in his arms.

The two best friends and lovers reunited after what seemed like an eternity. Both of them too emotional to speak. Ennis had let go and held Jack by his broad shoulders, examining his face, making sure he wasn't dreaming. That he was really here, alive, stood in front of him. Jack held Ennis's face in his huge hands. Their noses were just touching. Ennis was grinning so much his cheeks hurt. Jack's blue eyes were filled with tears but completely fixed on Ennis and he nervously laughed.

"It's me!"

Ennis laughed heavily before kissing Jack square on the mouth, like they did when they first saw each other after Brokeback. Their teeth grinding together, suffocating in excitement. They could not get enough of each other, savouring every moment. Jack gasped for air but Ennis pulled on his hair for more. They locked together for what seemed like hours before Ennis's curiosity got the better of him, he had to let go and ask.

"How did you..Where did you..?"

"Lureen. It was all Lureen." He chocked. "She threw me out when she found out bout you n me, that bastard Aguirre told her. She sent her family after me. They beat the shit outta me Ennis, left me fer dead. I dunno but I woke up hours later n some guy helped me. I came back to Childress to try n get this sorted, n fetch my truck n get as far away as I could. But I saw you when I walked past! Thank God Ennis! I was gonna find you soon as I could!"

He breathed hard, he couldn't say it all fast enough. He had to explain himself to Ennis, he felt so guilty about what happened. But it didn't seem like Ennis cared, he was just so overjoyed with happiness and relief. Jack was alive! After all this, he was alive. His dreams had come true. Ennis stared at the wall behind Jack as he spoke.

"That fucking bitch! I went ter see her, n she jus slammed the door in ma face." He glanced directly into Jack's eyes and looked away as he spoke. "You have no idea how much I missed you! I can't cope without you in ma life." Ennis broke into more exhausted tears. Finally, he was opening up to Jack, and he was hanging on every word. "Don't ever leave me. Please. Life just. Just isn't worth it…"

Before he could finish Jack kissed him lightly on the lips as a hint not to continue down that road. Jack suspected that something like this might have happened to Ennis when Jack realized everyone pretended he died. He embraced him, rubbing his back gently and running his hands through his hair. Ennis cried into Jacks shoulder, overcome with emotion, hoping this wasn't all some huge daydream or the whiskey talking.

He felt like it would soon come to an end, that Jack was going to be taken from him once again, so he had to say everything he regretted that he hadn't before.

'Jack…please…Just, please look at me.' Jack broke apart and held Ennis's face in his palm, wiping away the tears with his thumb.

'What is it?'

Ennis took a few breaths before saying the words he had always wanted to say. He started to tremble, he couldn't escape Jacks eyes, staring at him intently. Ennis looked directly at Jack, unable to move his head as Jack held it. Normally he would do anything to get out the awkward situation. But, after everything that had happened, he had to say it. He closed his eyes, swallowed all his pride and let the words spill out.

'I love you'

These three words took Jack by surprise, but they made his heart jump. In the 20 years he had known Ennis that was the first time he had ever said it. Ennis always referred to the love that they shared as some kind of weird 'thing'. He never admitted his true feelings. He was never was able to accept he loved a man. Jack kept his hand on Ennis's face and kissed him again. Ennis missed Jack so much; he could hardly believe what was happening.

It was like he was kissing him again for the first time. He savoured every moment, noticing every detail, the sweetness of Jack's taste, the rough stubble that handsomely dressed his chin, his blue eyes that are shut tight, the softness and touch of his large hands that were caressing his cheek. Everything about Jack haunted him in his dreams, but at last it's real again. Jack whispered to him whilst kissing him.

'I love you too. Please. Be with me? We can't be apart again. Not after this.'

Ennis smiled and looked straight into his eyes. 'I thought you would never ask'

For the first time ever, Jack and Ennis walked down the road to Ennis's truck linking arms, then Ennis slid his hand down to join Jacks. Jack smiled with happiness and Ennis proudly showed off his boyfriend. Not caring for the strange looks they got from the few people still outside. He felt no fear anymore. Who cares what people thought! Life is too short. He had a gun in his coat pocket, and he would think nothing of striking people down, if it meant he could be with Jack.

They got into the truck clumsily and hastily drove off. Ennis's driving was a bit shaky due to the amount of whiskey he drank.

'Where the hell am I going!' He joked, laughing with a cigarette in his mouth.

'Brokeback Mountain' Jack ordered.

Ennis turned in surprise.

'Brokeback?'

'Why the hell not? Don't you think we oughta make the most of our time together! After all this shit that's happened!'

'I guess so, but we gotta go back to my trailer first. Get my stuff, then we can go anywhere Jack.'

'Yeah… but where?'

'Somewhere in Wyoming? Out the countryside way?'

Jack smiled in delight.

'I don't care where we are, as long as we are together this time. Right'

Ennis drove on into the night, right pedal floored, he couldn't wait to be back on Brokeback with Jack. Jack was falling asleep on his shoulder, and Ennis had his arm around him. He kept looking down at the sleeping man, and he smiled with disbelief. Thank you God. Thank you for returning him to me. He prayed in his thoughts.

After all of this, after everything that had happened, Ennis vowed to protect Jack with his life. They needed each other. This was just too close a call, they need to be careful from now on, go somewhere remote, where they can just spend every second together without having to check over their shoulders in case someone sticks a few caps in their back.

This is the second chance he wanted, and it cannot be wasted. He had threw away every chance he had before to be with Jack, this one, he was gonna take. No matter what.

Ennis drove for hours and hours before they finally got back to his trailer. It was in the middle of nowhere, with only a few desolate scorched out trailers surrounding it.

He parked the truck and tapped Jack on the shoulder.

"We're home!" Ennis yelled as he opened the plastic tacky door and stepped onto the heavily stained cheap rug.

Jack yawned, stretched his arms and clambered out. Ennis chucked him a cigarette and lit one up for himself. They went inside, and Jack took off his coat. He went to put it down, but couldn't find a clear spot that didn't have cans of beans, empty whiskey bottles or empty cigarette packets.

"Yeah, I wouldn't put it down there if I was you! You wont find it again!" Ennis joked, then diverted his attention to pouring them both a coffee and whiskey. Jack acknowledged it and opened the wardrobe door, and stared what hung on the door.

Their two shirts.

Ennis looked over to Jack's eyes filling with tears of happiness.

"Sorry, I nicked your shirt!" Jack said. Ennis laughed and put one arm around him, cigarette in the other. Both of them stood there, embracing each other and reminding themselves of what brought them together in the first place.

Ennis looked down to Jack, and had to say something.

"We have something special, don't we?"

"Yeah, sure do." He answered whilst staring at the shirts.

"I don't have much money, and I live in a shitty trailer. But we are safe in this trailer, there aren't no folks for miles round here. I know you and Lureen had a sweet life, plenty of money and I'm broke as fuck. But if you stayed with me here, we could make this work?"

Jack looked up.

"I don't care, as long as I'm with you."

End.

7


End file.
